It seems that my recent lack of internet has lead to a bit of something I would like to at this moment call a blog clog. A blog clog is where I've been writing some blog posts, but they've failed to get posted due to my lack of internet. This causes the blogs to add up and be unposted, causing the clog. Well this clog will now be cleared by some blog drano. Here ya go:
Alright people, so I know it’s been forever since I’ve updated my blog. There have been stories upon stories to tell, yet I have left you deprived and unspoiled with these adventurous gems. Well, I’m not making promises for starting this thing back up per se, but by gosh I made a trip back to my town away from town. Revisited the city of my life away from life. I once again traversed my heart and found the place where I was not so long ago. I took a trip to Joensuu.
Friends, Romans, people of Joensuu: kiitos.
Alright so I won’t exactly restrict this blog post to Joensuu per se, although I will talk mostly about my good good Joensuu friends. The story starts back in a place called Tampere, Finland. Tampere apparently means City of the Gods. Psht f**king lame, I like riversmouth, which is how Joensuu translates into English. Yeah riversmouth, how badass is that….yeah right anyways so I was in Tampere visiting my lovely girlfriend Maija Koljonen. That’s right I have a Finnish girlfriend now, to all of you who don’t have facebook and can muster up the enthusiasm to care haha. Maybe that sentence was for an audience of 1 person. People are always like dude who the hell are you dating and why the f**k does she have so many j’s in her name?? Haha just place j’s in funny places and the world suddenly flips upside down.
So I was visiting her and my good friend Ilkka from the finnish choir I was in during my time in Joensuu contacted me saying he was from the City of the Gods and we should chill before we go to riversmouth. I said sure thang and we went for dinner at a place his friend owns called jack the rooster(Finns are so unoriginal that they can’t come up with names in their own language, the damn thing is that jack the rooster is a more original name than I could come up with in English…..bastards!). This place was pretty sweet, having bands from time to time etc….but the real gem of this place was the fateful Death Burger. That’s a spicy burger, if I were to make an understatement. Me and my friend were not that brazy(brave and crazy) so we had normal burgers. Thing was that the owner my friend knew was just so nice and generous that he brought out a little cup of the stuff they put in the death burger so we could try. We’re both curious so we’re like awesome and just take a finger tip worth each of this stuff. Now I’ve tried hot stuff before, that’s for dang sure…but this was a horse of a different color. Within seconds I couldn’t take it or keep myself quiet in the restaurant. I put it in my mouth and started shouting thing that went something like this:……Moaather F**KER! ! Wooo! WOooo!! DAMN that’s hot!
So people started kinda looking at us and Ilkka’s friend immediately brings us some milk with this look on his face as if he was kicking himself for the situation he just caused.….hmm Ilkka was actually a bit quiet although the look on his face spoke perhaps louder than my shouts.... the point is I was the only one yelling like a jackass but my social barriers had been put at the mercy of this relentless fire in my mouth. I mean this stuff was RIDICULOUS. It was at least the second hottest stuff I’ve ever tried, both sweating with noses running. After the initial burn I calmed down(kinda) before there were complaints or police calling(sometimes a finnish solution to such social situations)….but we did spark the curiosity of this random girl that was sitting behind us haha uh oh next victim. You know sometimes it doesn’t take peer pressure to get people to do stuff, they completely screw themselves out of pure curiosity. We didn’t even have to try to get her to have some, we’d given up on the idea since we had made such a public display of discontent. So she of course talks and beats around the bush a bit before continuing to steal a fry, dip it in the stuff, and try it. Hah, wow she had put a lot on that fry too. She then takes a couple steps back and goes into a half fetal position still standing with legs straightened and upper body curled into a ball. After about a minute we’re like uhh…...are you alright? She quickly replies with “-I’M GOING TO F***ING DIE!-“
The damn hotness lasts about 20minutes before you feel okay again, so me and Ilkka had only drank about a third of our milks at this point but before we knew it the girl we didn’t even know had downed both of them hahaha just wow.
So now I’m gonna make a longer part of this story short. We left there, split up, and Ilkka took some of it to his friends. He felt like being a bad ass while he was with them and took even more of the stuff, like two spoonfuls! So then we met back up later and he was just suffering so much. Then we went out and I left early, but Ilkka was complaining before a little about his stomach, the milk, the hot stuff, and the alcohol not mixing so well. Well Ilkka drank quite a lot at the club after I left and then had a wonderful next day hahaha omg. Now think of this, a finger tip of the stuff made me crazy. They put 30g of the stuff in the Death Burger. They also have this other one called the Ultra Death Burger, where they put -90- grams of the stuff! They have some rules though, you can’t have the Ultra Death Burger without first eating the original at one point…..haha and after that you also have to sign a waiver!!! Dude how awesome is that. WTF. Alright that’s it for now, till next time people.
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